Goldimidget and the Three Bears
by NotShortYourJustFreakishlyTall
Summary: Ed is sent on a rather unusual mission. Crack fic. More detailed summary inside.


**AN: Yo peeps!**

**This is just a little something I came up with today...and spent nearly all day writing up when I SHOULD have been revising for my test tomorrow which I will probably now fail xD So, yeah. If I do fail my test then I'll at least feel great if loads of people read and like this!**

**This is probably a pretty important note so **_**please read this before continuing: I've based this loosely- REALLY loosely- around a famous fairy tale called "Goldilocks and the Three Bears". It's well known in the UK and probably the rest of the EU but I'm not sure about everywhere else...**_

_**So if you haven't heard of this story and still want to read it (YAY!) then I'm going to add the real thing at the end of this story if you want to scroll down and read it now- which I'd recommend because otherwise you probably won't really get a lot of the humour in it**_** (which I'm pretty sure is present!).**

"**Goldilocks and the Three Bears" is a childrens' story (which I obviously managed to twist quite a lot- hence the rating) that's been around since 1837 (sorry- just informing whoever's interested in other countrys' cultures) and has been passed down the Armstrong family line for...Ok- Ok! I'll stop!**

**I think I've said enough.**

**Enjoy xD**

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**Title:** Goldimidget and the Three Bears

**Warnings:** Edward Elric- that should be a warning all in it's own. Vomiting. Bear Pornography...weren't expecting that, were you? I am afraid to say that some bears _were_ hurt in the making of this fic...but hey- it's all in the name of humour!

**Length: **2,738 words

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist or Goldilocks and the Three Bears, but I do own all the rants- they belong to my sister and I )

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**Goldimidget and the Three Bears**

"Ok, let's start looking for...I don't know...bear shit... or something..." After a moment of consideration, Ed nodded curtly, to assure himself that he did in fact know how to track bears- which he didn't.

"Brother, I don't really think that's how you're supposed to catch a bear." Al sighed, having to crouch and force his way through the dense foliage and branches. His elder sibling did not seem to have the same problem, although he was pretending to in a valiant effort to prove that he was _not so short that when he stood beside a daisy it looked like he was standing underneath a Giant Redwood_. (1) "It would probably be better to get some bait and...I can't! Please, Ed, do we really have to do this?"

Ed sighed and scratched his head in an irritated fashion while pretending to limbo under a tree branch twice his height.

"Come on, Al, you know I don't have a choice. Although I don't really have a damn clue how exterminating bears has anything to do with state alchemists, that bastard Mustang gave me orders so I have to do it."

Alphonse didn't even have to ask what was causing the malevolent smile snaking across Ed's face.

"Brother, I can't believe you," his high-pitched voice scolded. "Just because Colonel Mustang poked fun at you is absolutely no excuse to want to hurt a poor, innocent animal."

"Well unlike what the bastard said," Ed took a deep breath, "I AM NOT SO MICROSCOPIC THAT BEARS PROVE NO DANGER TO ME BECAUSE I'M TOO TINY FOR THEM TO EVEN REALISE I'M THERE EVEN IF I'M WAVING AND JUMPING ABOUT RIGHT ON TOP OF THEIR NOSE!"

A little red in the face, Ed slipped back into his fantasy of tiny Mustangs, tiny bears and giant Eds, walking around two closely positioned trees which he could have easily walked through unlike his younger brother.

"Have you ever considered that maybe the colonel _implied_ that so that he could manipulate you into doing this mission, just like you're doing right now?" pleaded Al, growing even more desperate.

Ed scoffed, "Don't be stupid, the bastard could never manipulate _me_." Non-existent eyes in the form of shining red orbs rolled at his brother's apparent stupidity and ignorance. " Besides, Al, these aren't cuddly little teddy bears we're talking about. They've been getting cocky and started to move too close to civilisation. It's only a matter of time before someone gets attacked. Then the military will get the blame, then Mustang'll be pissed, then he'll moan at me, then _I'll _get pissed at Mustang-"

"You're always annoyed at the Colonel."

"...shut up, Al."

A helmet flew through the air, hitting Ed in the head with a loud clang.

"**AHHHHHHOWWW! ALPHONSE! GET BACK HERE!**"

For a minute, Ed gave chase to the suit of armour sprinting away in the direction they'd come before losing speed and stopping, glaring at the flash of metal disappearing in the distance.

"**ALPHONSE! YOU'RE GONNA GET IT LATER- YOU HEAR ME, YOU STUPID...YOU STUPID...STUPID AL**!"

"I REFUSE TO TAKE PART IN MURDERING A HELPLESS ANIMAL, BROTHER!" Al screamed, voice fading.

"**WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN, 'HELPLESS ANIMAL'! IT'S A GODDAMN, FUCKING BEAR! IT'S ANYTHING BUT HELPLESS!**" Ed felt his face twitching."**IT'S THEM OR US, AL! AND I CHOOSE ME- I MEAN US! YES - US!**"

Al shouted something else, however, he had gotten too far away and Ed missed it.

"**WHAT!**" Ed howled.

"_You're evil, brother!_" Ed barely managed to make out.

Face turning from angry to hurt, Edward shrieked back desperately, "YOU DON'T MEAN THAT, AL!" (2)

When he heard no reply, the Fullmetal Alchemist _humphed _and slunk down to the ground in a gloomy state of mind. Noticing Al's helmet lying, discarded, a few paces away, a wicked grin crept onto his face.

"Call me evil, will you now?" Like a lion stalking it's prey, (his hair sticking out like a mane.) Ed crawled towards the unsuspecting helmet, furtively glancing from side to side before letting out a semi-delirious giggle and grabbing it...and proceeding to fill it to the brim with soil and rotting vegetation.

"Ha ha ha ha ha!" Ed laughed, in a self-appreciating way of how funny he was, thumping the ground as he rolled around on the forest floor in hysterics. Truly no one could compete; he was, after all, a child prodigy- not that he bragged about it, of course, modest person that he was.

The laughing stopped when he both heard and felt a squelching as he squashed something with his flesh hand. Lifting it in disgust, he raised his gloved hand to his face and sniffed...

"AHHHHH! That's FUCKING NASTY!"

Ed gingerly removed his defiled, now-brown-glove and flung it away in disgust. At least he had more in his suitcase.

Realization slowly dawned on Ed's face as he quickly knelt down and examined the now flattened mess he had just put his hand in; a dark look of understanding crossing his features.

Jumping to his feet, Edward Elric, Fullmetal Alchemist and Hero of the People declared:

"FUCKING BEAR! YOU MAY HAVE WON THIS ROUND, BUT I'LL GET YOU NEXT TIME! JUST YOU FUCKING WAIT AND SEE! YOU'RE GOING DOWN! DOWN DOWN DOWN! MUH HA HA HA HA!"

Ed had found bear shit...or at least what he assumed was bear shit. Meaning he must be on the right path.

And that bear was _seriously _going down.

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~ Two hours later ~

"_Ahhhhhhhhhh_..." Yawned Ed, stretching his whole body upwards in an attempt to reboot his tired body. He scowled upwards when his hands didn't brush anything, then glared at the spitefully high leaves above him, then stretched even more with frantically waving fingers to try and touch something before proceeding to jump up and down for a few frustrated seconds filled with increasingly more and more agitated cursing.

When his fingers finally did brush a leaf- just barely- Ed danced his victory dance and triumphantly hollered, "WHO'RE YOU SAYING COULD NEVER WALK ALL THE WAY AROUND A TREE BECAUSE HE'S SO TINY NOW, HUH!"

The trees didn't reply.

"Ha! Not so bloody arrogant now, are we?" Ed sang happily, completely forgetting his tiredness in his moment of blissful joy, the extreme boost to his ego going to his head.

_Now if I could just get that reaction out of Mustang, _Ed daydreamed as he slowly got over his high, continuing his trudge onwards in search of the damned bear.

Weariness beginning to set back in, he was ecstatic when he eventually came across a house alone in a clearing, looking slightly suspicious, but hell if Ed cared at that moment. He wanted food and rest!

Stumbling forward in an over exaggerated manner, arms hanging listlessly, leaves and sticks poking from his hair that had not been there a minute ago, Ed pathetically collapsed in front of the door in the middle of the woods to emphasize how fatigued he was.

_How could __**anyone **__turn away someone so obviously in need of attention!_

Knocking on the door quietly- he couldn't just hammer it like he usually would Mustang's office door because then they wouldn't think he needed to be fed and rested quite as much- Ed waited, making sure his face remained pouting, eyes trembling and tearful.

When no one quickly answered, Ed let out a small snarl and knocked a tad louder.

They were _obviously _in; there was smoke drizzling out the chimney!

Quickly loosing patience, Ed's sweet face of innocence transformed into that of a hell-bent demon as he pounded on the door, screeching, "Open up, you heartless monsters! How could you just ignore some poor starved, tired person knocking on your door! For all you know I could have been lost in these woods for DAYS and this is the first glimpse of something other than goddamned trees that I've seen in a MONTH...maybe even YEARS!"

No one answered.

"DON'T FUCKING IGNORE ME YOU BASTARDS!" A thought suddenly occurred to Ed. "WHO'RE YOU CALLING SO SMALL YOU CAN'T HEAR HIM KNOCKING AT YOUR DOOR, YOU JERKS!

When, yet again, no one answered Ed's appealing plight for help, he took matters into his own hands and kicked the door down with his automail foot.

Glowering, Ed stormed into the house, spinning around as he quickly scanned the room he'd just entered for food. The foul-tempered alchemist's eyes lit up when his eyes fell upon a table in the corner of the room with bowls on it.

And Ed, shrewd as he was, quickly deduced that the bowls probably meant food, and the fact that it appeared no one was in or maybe just lying dead upstairs or something- he could deal with that later- meant that he was _obviously _entitled to this food.

Skipping towards the table and immediately starting guzzling down the food from the first and- obviously- largest bowl.

After consuming half the bowl in a mere matter of seconds, he abruptly stopped, face turning an unhealthy shade of green.

"NOOOO! MILK! I'VE BEEN POISONED!" He wailed, grabbing at his stomach and making disturbing gagging sounds before vomiting back into the bowl he'd just been cruelly tricked by.

Once finishing his regurgitating, Ed ran to the sink in the kitchen next door and turned the tap on at full, sticking his head under it and attempting to let the water clean his contaminated mouth.

A couple minutes later, Ed turned off the flowing water and crept back to the previous room, cautiously peering at the second bowl, the second largest bowl. Seeing that it too had been destroyed with the evil opaque liquid, he scowled at it glad that he had spotted the trap.

Feeling quite spiteful, Ed made a deep guttural noise and spat into the bowl, then smirked down at it.

He then carried on to the final and smallest bowl, and grinned when he saw the porridge had been left untouched.

It didn't last long.

Feeling a little bit disappointed that he hadn't discovered more to eat, Ed shivered, realising that the fire in the grate was dwindling away.

Looking about for an adequate source of firewood, his eyes found the largest seat in the room, sitting alongside two other seats.

Sighing, Ed walked over to the wooden chair, thinking, _it's a matter of survival; me or the chair. And I choose me!_ He then clapped his hands and transmuted the chair into a pile of logs, and tossed them onto the diminishing fire.

Edward then, rather brilliantly, deduced that whoever lived here- if they weren't lying dead upstairs, that is- might be a little bit annoyed at his barging in like this. Deciding he would have to make up for it in some way, he wandered over to the second largest chair and once again clapped.

When the blue lightning that signalled his alchemy finally drew to a halt, Ed took a step back, placed his hands on his hips and nodded approvingly. The chair had now been replaced with a '_realistic' _statue of none other than the Fullmetal Alchemist, standing proudly with hands on hips exactly like the real thing was standing right then, looking even more handsome than usual, he smugly thought.

Oh, and of course, Ed hadn't misinterpreted anything when he made his look alike roughly double his size.

Yes. Any sane person would be ecstatic to receive such a wonderful gift; Ed really was too kind for his own good.

Feeling proud of himself, Ed let himself collapse into the final chair, and the smallest. When the chair trembled and decided to give way and collapse beneath him, he shot to his feet and a grin spread from ear to ear.

"HA! WHO'S SO SHORT HE COULD FIT COMFORTABLY INTO A DOLLS CHAIR NOW, EH!"

Laughing, Ed decided to take the stairs and see if someone really had died upstairs -therefore not opening the door when he had been in desperate need.

Thankfully, he didn't discover a corpse but a bedroom which reminded him of how tired he currently was.

Ed leapt onto the closest and largest bed. Bouncing about on it for a second, he finally settled and began to settle down, trying to get comfortable as he lay under the duvet of the bed.

Shifting about for a minute, Ed finally realised why he couldn't relax; there was something under the sheets, pressing into his back. Feeling extremely annoyed and deprived, he crawled to the bed's edge and searched under the bedding. Finally feeling something under the enormous bed he grasped it, refusing to let go now that he had discovered his prize and pulled it into the open before gaining a puzzled face.

In his hand was a magazine. A magazine with a bear dressed in a bra and skimpy panties, hands seeming to be slipping a bra strap off her shoulder.

Ed puzzled over this for a while, not quite understanding what the hell he was looking at. Deciding to investigate further, he opened the magazine to a random page- golden eyes widened, ears burned scarlet and face twisted in disgust.

"**AHHHHHHHHH!**" Ed screeched, sprinting downstairs and hurling in the largest bowl once again. He then scampered into a corner and huddled their for a while, arms wrapped around trembling knees.

After today, Edward would never be the same. His mind would forevermore torment him with the images now burned into his terror-glazed eyes.

Deciding that no one should ever have to witness what he just had, Ed determinedly stalked upstairs...and ridded the world of a terrible evil.

Exhausted, both physically and mentally, Ed dragged himself wearily over to the smallest bed- the one furthest away from THAT one. Curling into a ball on top of the covers, he fell into a fitful sleep, nightmares attacking his mind.

* * *

When Ed finally began to awaken, he didn't move immediately, mind not fully processing his surroundings.

As he finally began to process the sounds around him he heard a voice close by, "Somebody's been lying in MY bed, and she is still here!"

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO PETITE AND SMALL THAT HE LOOKS LIKE A GIRL!" Ed jumped to his feet in a rage, then paused a millisecond as he processed what was before him...

"**AHHHHHHHHHHH! I FOUND THE FUCKING BEARS!**"

A flash of alchemy, Ed's automail blade appeared, and the Fullmetal Alchemist hollered his battle cry as he rushed forward.

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People stared as Edward Elric strolled into Eastern Headquarters, a smirk plastered on his face.

"Honestly, brother, really. I think it's about time you took that thing off." Alphonse pleaded with his older, but definitely not wiser, brother as he nervously followed Ed to Colonel Mustang's office, twiddling his thumbs, well aware of all the stares his sibling was receiving.

"Oh, Al! Relax would you! I look good in this and you know it." The smirk widened even more.

Al shuddered as his eyes swept over his brother's new outfit. He had been begging Ed to stop wearing it for close to a week now...to no avail. He anxiously rubbed at his helmet, knowing that it was still slightly mud stained- courtesy of Ed.

Finally reaching Mustang's office, and receiving disbelieving stares from the majority of the military staff working at Eastern Headquarters, Ed flung the door open dramatically and stood there, obviously waiting for everybody to look at him.

Mustang's team, being used to Ed's usual entrance of slamming doors open, were slow to look up...and unwilling to look away.

Colonel Mustang, as usual, paid no immediate attention to Fullmetal, running over the pile of short jokes he had managed to think up during the boy's absence.

However, as the normal buzz of the his office abruptly quieted down he frowned slightly and raised his head from his doodling.

Ed howled in laughter as the bastard's usually stoic features transformed to one of disbelief and shock.

"Fu- Full...metal...?"

"Ha ha ha ha!" Ed laughed, manically, "**WHO'S SO SHORT THAT HE CAN'T EVEN FIT INTO A BEAR SKIN COAT NOW, YOU STUPID BASTARD!**"

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**Goldilocks and the Three Bears**

_(Original version)_

_**Length: **_425 words

Once upon a time, there was a little girl named Goldilocks. She went for a walk in the forest. Pretty soon, she came upon a house. She knocked and, when no one answered, she walked right in.

At the table in the kitchen, there were three bowls of porridge. Goldilocks was hungry. She tasted the porridge from the first bowl.

"This porridge is too hot!" she exclaimed.

So, she tasted the porridge from the second bowl.

"This porridge is too cold," she said

So, she tasted the last bowl of porridge.

"Ahhh, this porridge is just right," she said happily and she ate it all up.

After she'd eaten the three bears' breakfasts she decided she was feeling a little tired. So, she walked into the living room where she saw three chairs. Goldilocks sat in the first chair to rest her feet.

"This chair is too big!" she exclaimed.

So she sat in the second chair.

"This chair is too big, too!" she whined.

So she tried the last and smallest chair.

"Ahhh, this chair is just right," she sighed. But just as she settled down into the chair to rest, it broke into pieces!

Goldilocks was very tired by this time, so she went upstairs to the bedroom. She lay down in the first bed, but it was too hard. Then she lay in the second bed, but it was too soft. Then she lay down in the third bed and it was just right. Goldilocks fell asleep.

As she was sleeping, the three bears came home.

"Someone's been eating my porridge," growled the Papa bear.

"Someone's been eating my porridge," said the Mama bear.

"Someone's been eating my porridge and they ate it all up!" cried the Baby bear.

"Someone's been sitting in my chair," growled the Papa bear.

"Someone's been sitting in my chair," said the Mama bear.

"Someone's been sitting in my chair and they've broken it all to pieces," cried the Baby bear.

They decided to look around some more and when they got upstairs to the bedroom, Papa bear growled, "Someone's been sleeping in my bed,"

"Someone's been sleeping in my bed, too" said the Mama bear

"Someone's been sleeping in my bed and she's still there!" exclaimed Baby bear.

Just then, Goldilocks woke up and saw the three bears. She screamed, "Help!" And she jumped up and ran out of the room. Goldilocks ran down the stairs, opened the door, and ran away into the forest. And she never returned to the home of the three bears.

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1- Giant Redwood's are the tallest trees in the world. Wasn't too sure how many people would know that...

2- The whole "You're evil!" "You don't mean that!" thing is from Fullmetal Alchemist episode 10 (the anime) but I role reversed. Always found this part hilarious...especially when Ed screamed "I'll turn you all into fish!" after. xD Don't you just love Ed! ...just out of curiosity, did anyone recognise this from the anime?

**Well. There you go! **

**I honestly really enjoyed writing this and hope you enjoyed reading it. I'm considering doing another story for a different fairy tale...oh, who am I kidding! I'm GOING to do it- whether you like it or not! If anyone has any story ideas then it would be great if you told me- especially if it's a foreign one that I haven't heard.**

**Anyway, that's me. Reviews would be appreciated. Duh. xD**


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